This was supposed to be a blog about dating, internet-dating, guys, dolls, making out…you name it.
But fizzle, crap, the walls come tumbling down, and no-longer-can-do….I think I am done.
So much muckity muck-muck hailing on my head.
I tried, though.
I expanded my ideas of love, connection and companionship. I thought an expanded view might help it make more sense.
Wham, bam, and that’s ok, even great, but still…. what am I really? By necessity or only-child design…that little corner of loneliness seems to be me when I am not smothered and complaining about that other conundrum.
My exes are all in relationships. Big ones. Live-in-type, real meldings…marriage even. In the quest for deeper intimacy, (because trashed and superficial intimacy is a bit lite and grrr for my own psyche and taste) I chased them all away and they are lovin’ on their special other person ,the one after me, and I am either hiding out or floundering or getting some, but not sure what for.
So I am going to stop. I am not saying I am going to never see anyone XY this year, but I am sure as hell not chasing tail, or tale, or dreams, or weird facial hair, or a gait that swings just so. I have huge appreciation for all of that. But it can’t own me.
I worked this morning to get my projects going, and productivity is no less a demon than shady love. Two hours, and I can’t get the borrowed android to sync with Lightroom, Google Cloud refuses to transfer my files ..it’s just a massive flail. Don’t announce this, but artsy nudes (of me, natch) are flying around the internet somewhere and I can’t access any of it at the moment, forget doing any editing.
Here I stand, a bit defeated, a bit energized, and writing nothing as much as a pledge to keep going with things that just might matter if I can only manage to harness technology and a bit of hope.
I have more faith in hope than technology, which is only possible because technology is sticking it to me today. Hope never sticks it to me, it just becomes elusive. But I got hold of its coat tails and I’m not let getting go, even if I slide around behind it, trying to get some footing.
The world will have to pry it from my cold, stiff fingers. Hope, that is. Don’t go.