I wish I had better news. That thing that I went into head first with the most open heart I could muster… I knew it likely would have an expiration date. But it all soured much more unexpectedly than expected. Before anyone could say “Bob’s your uncle…” Just when I had begun to forget that it might not last.
It ended abruptly, even before “our” new bed had a chance to arrive, the one I bought on Overstock.com because there wasn’t enough room for two people and various dogs. When it arrived, I was instead in the middle of reeling from his departure.
I am now typing on our new bed, the one he’ll never sleep on. Somehow I found the strength to put it all together. I had the strength to find myself amazed at the modern day unboxing of a California king mattress. Basically you pull it out of the box, unroll it and stand in disbelief as it puffs itself up into a bonafide bed. It’s like one those tiny gum ball toys that you pour water on and it turns into a life-size statue of Donald Duck. If someone else were with me, him, or anyone, there would have been a lot of hootin’ and hollerin’. I sort of hooted, but it was kind of a sad hoot. More like an oh, brother. Or a gah.
By myself, I moved my queen bed, the one that was too small until he left, into Owen’s room. Owen is also gone now, at his Dad’s. I am emptying the Tiki room I made for him, and the queen with the wooden frame looks awesome in there. The Tiki room is a really cool space. For a couple of months I scoured e-bay for all things Tiki and nautical. I went all out. Now it’s a room that doesn’t know what to do with itself….like the new bed.
In no short time my daughter will be moved to Maui, and I will be in this big house with five dogs, some cool funky art, assorted beds and a lot of memories..I will need to find a way to make new memories, maybe even ones that last. For now, it has been an endless stream of hard transitions. This one in and that one out. Over and over.
I ran into a friend who called me “brave”. I would suggest that there is no other way to move through life, but with bravery and spirit. I have tried hunkering down, but all that gets you is more hunkered. So I will put myself out there in the world again. One would hope that there are lessons learned, but I don’t regret any of it. I had some wonderful times. The sand may run through my fingers, but I got to feel it in the process.
I would like to go on record as saying that I have moved a lot of furniture around lately and my muscles are sore. My heart is beaten down a bit. Big trash day is tomorrow so I will get to feel that feeling of letting go of material objects. Still, it is really my heart that needs the purging.
I am closing another door, a little teary, knowing that one more will open if I have the courage to look for it. One thing I did learn. I was over the moon sharing my home with a partner. It was a kind of cozy I had forgotten, and everything was better. I don’t know that this knowledge does me much good right now. I would have to date for a respectable time before I might ever have another go at it. Dating from a pool of homeless folks is probably ill-advised. Darn it. But still, it was good to feel that cozy sweet feeling, and just knowing it exists somewhere inside me is reason to celebrate.
Mai Tai’s in the Tiki room anyone?