imagesIt’s been a long time since I wrote,  anything.

My youngest is back home until he starts college in September, and all-in-all, I haven’t been the kind of lonely and full-of-angst that I usually can count on myself to be. He is good company.

There are moments. The moments when I think I will die if someone doesn’t hold me or kiss me or look into my eyes. But I don’t die. Instead, the sun comes up, and I get myself to work, go for a hike, have a big salad. The usual.

Every day, I try.

I know that the next few years are going to take a supreme effort in order to be  productive and feel connected.  I know that having a practice, a big job, kids who are launching and also taking on dogs and an old home…it is a mighty full plate and more. But being connected is the number one thing a person can do if they want a happy life. Friends, partners, lovers….people. People are what makes the difference . And yet I often collapse inward. Because people are so hard.

Right now I just want to rest. Getting to know new people is not restful.

I have put myself back out there. There are people out there, for sure, but it is a challenge to really connect.

Some people reach out and they mean it. Some people  reach out and then they go away. Dating on-line is a numbers game. You gotta cast a wide net and go in big to come up with anything. I am doin’ it, but I am not comfortable with multiples right now. I feel jangly with too many oars in the water.

No one can be counted on. Not even the seemingly best person is a guaranteed anything. I can’t even count on myself! So you gotta do the numbers, and to be honest, having too many balls in the air waters every experience down just a little. No one is special when someone new is a click away.

I was asked on date the old-fashioned way recently. At first I thought, no, but then I figured, yes…why not? I was surprised to feel some actual butterflies. I liked him more than I expected I would. A legit feeling at this point is something to celebrate. So, yay. But turns out he is just exploring some options. That’s all. And who could blame him.

He sent the follow-up text, but I have no idea when/if I will see him again and though intellectually I am fine with that, it doesn’t help me today, right now, when I need strong arms and humor and love and light. In fact, the ambiguity drives me deeper inside myself, where it is safe.

I am not getting what I want which is someone who will pick up the phone and be right here, right now. There are people and friends. But I am sitting on my deck and it is beautiful and I am alone and there is no one.  I have some upcoming dates, fear not. But right now I just want what is familiar and safe. I don’t want new.

I have made loneliness my friend. I have learned that crying isn’t the worst thing or the end of the world and partnering up isn’t always the best answer or what is really needed.

I feel ok-ish.

But today, I am also tired.

I had a bad Friday. I suffered a huge loss, and trauma to the moon and back. My big dog died, and two of my littles were injured. I am in a fog, as one tends to be when big things happen suddenly that change everything.

I would like to be kissed and held and I would like to feel secure and grounded. That isn’t in the cards right now, and I have learned to just breathe through it.  I have plans for tonight, and tomorrow and I will rise up and be brave.

An introvert wants to be inside one’s-self, but a need for connection keeps a person out in the world. It is hard when all you want is to be home with family and what is familiar. It is hard to open up to the zillionth next great thing, only to have to temper any possible feeling with a healthy dose of : hold back, don’t rush it, not even if it feels right. There is time. Alone is a gift, so savor it. yeah yeah.

The sun is beautiful today and my deck is inviting. There are worse things than to face the world alone. I’m down with what life has in store next. Just be kind to me, because I am weary and need to rest, soon. You got that life? Put your kid gloves on and treat me gently. I think that would be very, very nice of you. Because I am trying. every day. I really am.