Ok, so yesterday was my first full day on The South Beach Diet Meal Delivery Plan and I can’t tell you the most important thing  – which is whether or not I lost ten pounds overnight -because I don’t have a scale at home.

I thought it might be best not to weigh myself at home despite the fact that jumping on and off the scale thirty times an hour and leaning to the left and balancing on one foot does burn a few extra calories. Anyway, I’m saving that drama for the once-a-week weigh-in. Thursday. At work.

I had my strategy figured out and it is that I would combine the SBDMD plan with intermittent fasting. That, as those of you intermittent fasting fans know but won’t admit, is what the rest of us degenerate slobs used to call skipping breakfast. The only difference is that instead of feeling bad about not eating breakfast, you get to feel morally superior if you make it to at least eleven, and you can recommend it, legit, to all your friends, whether or not they want to hear about it. Because it makes you glow and shit that’s too good not to share.

The reason I decided not to eat until later in the day is buried in my last post….remember when I ate all my Weight Watchers points before noon? It’s more than just a theoretical risk. My on-switch takes a while to get revving but once I’m in full chow-down mode, it can be difficult to put on, or even find –  the brakes. Please note: if you raise your hand and say that it’s because I let myself get too hungry in the first place, I’m just going to slap you, hard. It’s not that. But I’ll save that argument for another time as I’m feeling a little weak at the moment. I will say that Brooke Shields agrees with me and I read her say it in Cosmo in the late 90’s. So neener, breakfast isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I win.

I started off with an egg thingie and then I had a little bar with my coffee. I already decided that I am going to cheat with my creamora –  the French Vanilla kind. If we weren’t dieting I would also tell you that if you put that same creamer over oatmeal it’s insanely good. And if you also add nuts, cranberries and some brown sugar it’s even better. The coffee with the bar was a little reminiscent of the time  I did that with the creamer and the oatmeal and the craisins and the nuts. Reasonably yum.

I stayed surprisingly full and then later in the afternoon had a late lunch of an entree (so memorable that I can’t remember what it was…wait….chicken in BBQ sauce which tasted just like some cut up chicken in BBQ sauce) plus a salad with no dressing that I grabbed at this little coffee spot next to my banjo lesson.

Work was brutal cuz it’s flu season plus a couple of people came in who decided after not vaccinating their kids for ten years, that in order to get their kids into real school (j/k I love home-schooling, I actually do..),  they were gonna go ahead and poison their children with some shots. On a Friday afternoon. The fact that they found the whole thing noxious combined with their wish to do “only the ones that the school requires” and added to the fact that it was MY FIRST DAY ON A DIET – well we were all grating on each other’s nerves something fierce.

I’m so close to my patients that I can say “this whole thing is getting on my nerves” and they usually just go “me too” and we agree to have cocktails at the first opportunity. So one family wanted the polio vaccine but kept asking me (like five times) which vaccine I thought they should start with and I kept saying “TdaP” and they kept expressing reservations and I did a few back and forths about how Polio was probably the least of all the illnesses their kid was going to run into in the next few months.

Finally I just said, “I really think you should do Polio,” and ran down the hall in defeat. That didn’t end it though, because Gaby said that the mom had another question for me so I made my way back to the front and she asked, “Which vaccine should we do next time?”  So I smiled sweetly and said “TdaP” as if nothing I had just said in the past fifteen minutes had been in English. I also made sure to tell the kid that his mom had done a marvelous job of keeping him alive so far, but that we just disagreed about vaccines and that no way did I think that the shot would harm him in any way. It would just keep him from getting the Polio that he wasn’t going to get in the first place but since the secretary at the school suggested they do Polio first they were gonna do that one today. Step on a rusty nail though,  and you’re dead. No I didn’t say that. But some versions that did go through my head.  I am embellishing a little. But not much.

I like this mom, and this family. I always like my patients even the anti-vaxxer who told me that people lived a LONG time in the Bible without vaccines so she was going to take a pass. Right, Moses did live to 800, I had forgotten that. You should have seen my eyeballs pop when she reminded me of the average biblical life span of prophets and saints. But still it was all good because we always laugh since the rule in my office is you either show respect for other people’s beliefs or you laugh at them. I mean with them. We spend all day laughing at I mean with each other.

Back to the diet thingie. Basically, I came home, ate the crap, went to bed and had insomnia again (I’m on a two week bender of sleep deprivation that is bringing me to my knees). The only amazeballs thing to tell you is that they have these packaged Nacho Cheese Balls that are just like Cheetos only somehow they have 17g of protein and 130 calories. I would have said I was dreaming eating these crunchy cheesy balls, but I know I was awake and having insomnia most of the night so it was for reals.

I didn’t do an unboxing, but I found someone who did on You Tube.

Now, if you don’t want to watch it I’m just going to tell you that the guy’s name is Norman Schmitt (hee, perfect), and that 1) he recommends sriracha on just about everything and 2) he can’t seem to wait to jump on the food (he says it’s because it looks so good but I know it’s cuz he’s starving) and every time he heats up an entree he mentions that he pretty much can’t wait for it to get hot and also he almost burned himself once when he couldn’t wait for his South Beach Entree to cool. So watch out! I’m making him sound way funnier than he is. The man plays it straight, G-d bless his earnest soul, , so if you want to see the food – he’s your man. His moniker is the “Diet Dynamo” by the way.

Another thing I almost forgot that I did last night is that I cut my own hair again sometime around 9PM. I’m saying this because unless you plan to be a little hungry and angsty you might accidentally wedgie your hair up in the back like I did. I quickly put down the shears when I remembered that season five of Grace and Frankie had dropped. Otherwise I might have given myself the Judy Dench.

The good news is that the packaged food is just so weird and new that I think I can make it a month. I’m not as hungry as I thought I’d be. The bad news is I’m not skinny yet, but I can face another day of this and my only cheat besides the creamora was one lick of ranch dressing I found on a plate in the sink. My roomies were having one of their Dungeons and Dragons parties and I didn’t have any of the pizza or do any shots of vodka like I usually do on D and D nights.