masqueradeYou oughta be glad that I didn’t post yesterday or the day before. I wrote alright and it went something like this: whine whine, tired, whine some more, WTH, whine.

But I’m better today. I’ve actually slept the past three nights (thank you, Lunesta) and today, I woke up rested with the sun actually effin shining! Since I’ve got that SAD thing, sunshine is a big deal.

So why so glum, honeybun? Well…..all my attempts at South Beach Dieting and meal planning were genuine and robust. My cheats were super minimal. And….I’ve got pretty much nada in the results department to show for it all. In a month, I’ve eaten a lot of crap food, been hungry more than is sustainable, and the scale is about the same unless you want to include the brief Xmas bump that caused me to inexplicably hit 168. I went home for four days over Xmas and came back six pounds heavier.

There was NO WAY. But, way. That’s what happened.

I immediately fermed my bouche so that even before my meals arrived I was “down” to 163. And now I’m a firm 162 which is just nuts. Last time I hit the 160’s I got sick and couldn’t eat and was back to 151 in a matter of days. Ok, no, shouldn’t go there but if you want to give me salmonella, I wouldn’t say no,. Are you listening Russia?

Every time I go down this road I come back to the same place. Conventional diets don’t work for me and I’m not meant to go full vegetarian.  Every damn time.

On Weight Watchers I had a problem with points. If I ate the max allowed points I did a wonderful job maintaining. If I ate lower points I drove myself crazy counting and would do stupid things like blow all my points by noon. It just set me up for dysfunction.

I was in The Zone for a while and I ate well and liked it. But no weight loss.

Only weight loss has been Optifast and Chicken and greens. Those two plans had a solid two pounds per week slimming effect.  They are both quite drastic. The only other times my weight has gone down is when I just naturally sort of drifted down.

I’m not a crazy eater. I’ve just got the best fat genes in the world.

Memo received about sugar and carbs. Understood. Women past menopause have to give most of that up. Or do we? That’s the current brainwashing but we all look pretty much the same as we did back when we were eating carbs. Oh sure, individuals make claims. But overall, we look about the same.

I’m not giving up, but I had a glass of wine last night and a few pot stickers and I feel terrific today.

So, for the next month, February, I’m going to try just “watching it” and “holding back”. And if I want salmon or scallops, I’m eating them. I just don’t feel good not eating some animals. How many times do I have to prove this to myself? I’m not going to eat veal or tortured pig, but I need some animal protein to feel my best. Pea protein, apparently, makes me bloat.

I got sucked into all this because I wanted to turn off my brain and just do something good for myself. I forgot that meal prep makes me hate the food. I much prefer being a little more spontaneous with my eating. I end up eating less and feeling more satisfied when I keep it flexible and go for what I’m craving. I forgot that traditional diet plans are actually too much food for me, personally, to lose weight, though I can maintain well on these programs.

I’m glad I kept a record of how hard I tried, because I did try.

My least favorite word is try. Trying is always a word that attempts to cover up the truth which is hella effort with zero results.

Ew to that.

I did manage to interrupt the crazy holiday eating. And by crazy I mean a few sweets and indulgences here or there. I didn’t go as insane as 168 sounds. It’s just that I’ve got the set point of a 5’11” man. Not my fault. I also interrupted the wine thing. Weirdly, it didn’t make me feel any better. So jury is out on the drinking. Not rushing back but not convinced I need to abstain altogether.

I don’t have too big of a problem that a little common sense can’t solve, now that I’ve stabilized a bit.

I’m going back to Thin Within. Here’s how it works: you eat when you are hungry and you stop when you are not hungry anymore. That’s it. And if you eat slowly, it pretty much works.

So, February, it’s Thin Within month and we’ll see.

Something else funny/not funny happened. I went on OKc for 48 hours. I connected with a few of the best men on there. I talked to one of them, a middle school teacher,  for two hours. I made plans to have dinner with another, a professor at Davis who commutes from Berkeley. Then I flipped out and had to write them all and say, sorry but I miscalculated and I’m just not into this after all.

Oh brother.

This is what happens when you are single and prone to fits of ennui.

I’m still jacked about Ballet and Spanish. I’m having trouble finding time for banjo and violin, but I’m doing it a little.

I’m occasionally a bit weepy and lonely,  here and there.  When I was down,  I asked the universe what would happen if I didn’t lift a finger to connect with anyone in my personal life. I was ready to hold my breath til I turned blue. At that moment I was certain that no one would care, but I was being a complete idiot.

Within a few hours my friend Martha called me, and I got a text from a hot fireman I used to want to date. It’s a long, long, long story involving Tinder and some frisky back and forths that lead to absolutely nothing other than some sweet affection, but we stayed in occasional touch and he’s been reaching out as a friend lately and we get along great. So we’re having dinner Saturday. The view will be a nice one, because did I mention he’s a gorgeous fireman?  He’s super cute and super sweet and friends is way better than anything, in the end. Makes it easier to just dish and have a good time.

Tonight I am going to the ballet with my son. One of my patients who is a rising ballerina and incredibly talented offered me tickets to see her dance in Don Quixote. I’m super excited and very touched. Thank you Natasha (and momma Sylvia!)

Monday night I’m seeing Philippe who was nice enough to check on me when I was feeling down. Shout out to Philippe – not dieting, per se, so I’m bringing over something yummy that we’ll have just a few bites of. And we are going to watch The Favorite which I hear is really fabulous. With snax!

So basically I yelled at the universe for setting me up to fail and for sometimes forgetting that I’m a person TOO and could use a little fun and attention and the universe slapped me hard and gave me some love.

I threw a giant fit about results but I need to stop complaining and just keep working it.

The lesson here: remember what you’ve learned about yourself and don’t try to be something that you aren’t. I’m not a dieter. Sorry to let you all down, but I’m just not a dieter and when I ordered the South Beach Diet I tried to be something I knew that I wasn’t. I’m also not a complete vegetarian, but I can be happy with fish. If I accidentally get a morsel of animal in my mouth I don’t need to spit it out. I can spare most animals and just go in for sardines from time to time. I still prefer most vegetarian meals but it doesn’t have to be a thing. Because I’m not.

I am, however, Thin Within.

Whoops, and onward, ho.

Dr. Maria –