bird

Yeah, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.

I sent my kids packages of sweets. Stockton, Chicago and Maui. I love them and I miss them and some days I don’t even know where the time went. Owen got his package at college today but couldn’t get to the mailroom before closing so he had a fit wanting to know WHAT I sent him.

My other two I might hear from. Or not. They are not as predictable.

Time marches on.

I went on OkC for about ten minutes tonight. In honor of Valentine’s Day  – I reactivated the profile just so’s I could look. It was dreadful. One fellow who had a nice face said “per say” in his profile. I thought about saying “it’s per se” but then I realized that his use of per say was a good tip off for others – so I decided against the friendly assist.

What a little biatch I’ve become.

I’ve had a super tense week.

Monday morning I got a text that the place I rented on Maui for Natalie’s graduation – an apartment where we all could stay – was abruptly cancelled – the reservation was caput and I would be refunded my deposit. I can’t really afford this trip. And the affordable place I found to stay was just poof – cancelled!

I got the message as I was waking up. Hello!

My step-dad didn’t want to go through Air BnB because he was afraid of something like this and I had told him not to worry  – and hell if he wasn’t right.

I had to jam to Dublin to meet with a vet about a frenchie I ended up with and her terrible breathing. She can’t breathe and it’s a long story but she’s my problem now. Very nice vet. Sounded like he might be from South Africa and midway through the consult I thought to myself that if I were younger I would like to date a man exactly like this vet. I got bored with the medical because yadiddy yah yah – just fix her palate already. But he was smart and geeky handsome and I just liked his brains and competence but it didn’t matter because I can’t do 37 anymore.

The very sweet nurse presented me with the estimate – 5-7K – and I burst into tears.

I walked out with Zoe the frenchie and forgot to pay the consult fee and they didn’t even chase me down. I think they felt bad.

Meantime I scrambled for other rentals and found two that cost way more than the original place I rented. I was feeling a lot of pressure because there aren’t that many spots in Haiku and I accidentally rented them both and then was freaked out because my bank account was about to be overdrawn. Only somehow they didn’t charge me and I was able to throw them both into a holding pattern.

I’ve been thinking about moving. I have been considering selling my house and buying something very modest and this weekend I found a wreck of a place in Martinez that I absolutely fell in love with. 399k fixer upper.

I had imagined, since my house appraised well when I refinanced, that maybe it would be simple enough to sell it and buy some little place outright. Maybe take some pressure off me, financially at least.

Then a real estate agent came over and a few days later delivered the news that my house is apparently so run down that no one but a contractor/flipper type person would want it and they would pay very little for it.  I decided I didn’t like him very much. But he is right because I contacted a flipper and he scheduled to come over Tuesday morning then ten minutes before our appointment he texted and said there is no way he’d come close to a price I could agree on so we might as well cancel.

My house is spectacular.

It just needs work.

I expended more energy than I care to admit pissed off that I can’t just turn in my huge house in Oakland and exchange it for a tiny cute house in Martinez that I fell in love with- but there’s no way to get from here to there right now – so I had it let go.

I’ve had the usual string of people needing me this week. They text me as I’m waking and whenever I’m about to lose my cool I remember needing answers when my kids were little. My head is about to explode sometimes and I’ve got work up to my eyeballs but people have real issues. Today I heard from a mom with a little guy who is intense and he had an episode and she needed to talk to me. People need to talk to me but they can’t possibly come in which means that I have to talk to them for free. Sometimes, that isn’t fair.

You know what else isn’t fair? What this mom has been through.

So I hopped on the phone and pretty soon agreed to come over at lunch and talk to her son. Because the last time I talked to him he was good for several days. He’s decided I’m someone he can talk to. And coming from a difficult kid, that’s a huge honor.

This guy needs to develop better skills in the self-soothing department.

I know that drill. I lived it and I didn’t know what to do and no one helped me when I was going through it.

So I showed up with a stuffed poop and a dog unicorn (we talked about life pooping on you and how to be a unicorn) and some glitter and jars and various items and we made glitter jars for him to use when he is flipping the hell out and I also brought a card for him to write and flowers for his mom and we surprised her and I made him my helper. His job is to think of ways that kids can calm down and to call me when he has an idea. He called me tonight. He’s workin it and I’m so proud of him.

At the end of the day, I wanted to talk to someone about all of this but I already burned through my mom and one friend and basically there was no one else I felt I could bother. Just realizing that made me tear up.

So then I thought that maybe one day I’ll find someone to buy a small farm with. That’s how I ended up on OkC. Because maybe there will be a person who might be the right person to buy a farm with right in front of me and poof – it would all make sense.

I’m not unhappy, but it’s been quite a week.

There are a lot of people struggling right now and I am honored to be in a position to help.

I’m not struggling, but there are times when if someone could make me dinner without expecting me to be more than I can be – I would really like that.

It’s hard to remember that I matter, when every night I am alone. It’s almost enough to matter professionally, but there is a little bit inside that isn’t being nurtured right now. Something private.

It’s hard sometimes not to be able to talk to someone at the end of the day. But it’s harder still to have to talk to someone when you just don’t have it in you. Remember, I chose to be alone. Because I just didn’t have it in me.

This whole week has made me feel like I can’t get there from here.

Like I can’t get out from under this big house. Like I can’t make friends or date when I am so exhausted by my day job.

But the cool thing is I’m not unhappy. I’m just spinning and thinking that when the days get a little drier and longer it will be a little easier to make progress on the home front. Maybe do some gardening.

Want to hear something else cool? One of my patients from a long time ago contacted me because she has a little baby boy. They are living in Italy because her husband is in the military and she wanted to see me to talk about vaccines. She said, “if I had you in Italy I would trust you and do whatever you recommended but I don’t trust these doctors.” We talked about vaccines and I gave him his first shot and I hugged my grown up patient and even though I go home alone every night…..very few people have days like I have.

I am lucky.

Plus, this frenchie loves the shit out of me.

All in good time.

You get what you get.

It may not be perfect, but it’s more than enough.

Sigh.