Here we are, fighting off the last little bit of winter. I’m using as my secret weapon any bit of sunshine I can find in my heart.

I don’t know about you, but that’s what’s been on the menu for me. Grizzly grey with an occasional burst of color.

Any little bit of sun in the morning gets me chirpy and lifts my mood, and then the grey returns and I’m singing a different sad song.

Best not to fret over things we can not change, like weather. Just saying, it ain’t helping.

This weekend I mapped out all the music I want to hear this summer. It’s quite a line-up of festivals and shows, topped off by a three day rafting trip on the Tuolumne River with Laurie Lewis and Tom Rozen.

Bluegrass and the great outdoors. Swoon.

I used to be a horrible planner which means I missed out on a lot I wanted to do.

I’ve finally learned to grab a calendar and map it all out. Not all year. During the rest of the year I can keep the little details in my head. I don’t do much.

But summer, there’s so much going on that the only way to hit up Strawberry and Kate Wolf and Father’s Day and High Sierra and on and on…is to plan for it.

I looked at mattresses for the back of my Prius, and thought about those cowboy boots I’m gonna wear.

It’s gonna be a fun summer.

Now here’s a thing I am remembering. when I was first single again after Peter, I rallied and went to several festivals by myself. I believe I was referred to as brave by some of my friends.

You might think I went and met people and had a blast. Well, sort of, um not entirely. I think a couple guys offered to get me stoned and hang out, but I said no. Most people are in  groups so lively that they hardly notice a person off in the corner by themselves. And the stragglers can be pretty grungy. Think Arcata after 2 am. That kind of grunge. So yeah, no.

I didn’t mope. I hula hooped and played with some kids and lined up in the morning for a great spot to put my lawn chair. I greeted every passerby,  and smiled a lot. Oh and there’s always massages at these places, so I got massaged aka loved on a bit, aswell.

I even said Hey to Joan Baez.

I also cried. I said to myself at the last Kate Wolf – aint no way I’m doin this alone ever again.

Course I did go back alone, but I learned that one day and night is about all I can do alone and still feel happy in my heart.

I don’t want to go with just one person. I want to know people that are going and have the option of doing a group thing.

I want a friggin campsite.

Usually I sleep in my car, which is perfect, and I have a chair and a cooler and that’s about it. I want an awning with flags and a table and a few chairs, too, but flying solo that’s a bit over the top.

I’m getting the word out but it’s like pulling teeth to get any of my friends on board.

I don’t think a big group is going to materialize out of my friend set, at least not right away, right now. I think the answer is going to be in meeting new people in the music world and I think it’s going to mushroom in a few years. At some future magical later date.

I’m very slow to make friends. Occasionally there’s a person that I just lose my head over. That’s how I have tended to make my closest friends. We just meet and we’re stuck like glue. But that is rare.

More casual friends take me forever. Could be the only child thing.

I’m back to one of my recurring themes – and that is that it’s hard to live in the present when what you want seems destined to happen somewhere down the line, in the future.

I alternate that with some fake it til you make it and a healthy dose of living AS IF.

First you build it, then they come.

Stephanie said that to me when I started my own medical practice.

First you build it, then they come.

With skies of grey and work sort of blowing up all the time, I have trouble continuing to build my own community. I very often feel like a hermit on the weekend. A hermit with dogs.

But there are little signs that I may be making some progress. I don’t have a group to go to the places I’ll be going this summer, but I’m drumming up a little interest. I’ve got some people to at least run into. And I don’t need much, to be honest. I’m pretty happy alone most of the time. Just not all the time three days straight in the middle of a festival.

I’m guessing that I’ll still be braving it alone a good part of the time, but not always.

So with this grey sky and very little motivation I’m living as if and into the future.

I’m playing my violin more, singing because singing is good, keeping my eye out for some little dresses to go with the boots, and looking at mattresses for my Prius.

I’m trying to remember that summer is in my heart, and soon it will be here.

And when it comes, I’ll be ready. Or at least as ready as I can be this year.wolf