flower

Finally, a day off and at home.

I have mental plans to join the gym down the street. God’s Gym has been quite an adventure but I can no longer afford the hefty price tag, and getting up for an early morning appointment is bummin’ my high. It’s cold outside! Winter me is a whole different vibe without my summer get up and go energy. So I decided to lift weights on my own steam. And who knows, maybe I’ll enjoy rubbing elbows with the other gym rats in my neighborhood.

I’d also thought about doing some yard work but now that Saturday is here, that idea is slipping away.

There’s a big difference between what I’d like to do in my head and what I’m able to do when the magic day finally arrives.

I’m slowly accepting that my endless summer energy has ground to a halt. ‘Tis the season for work and for taking to my bed, with minimal excess expenditures of energy in between.

My goals for winter are to play the violin, get to the gym and do my job. I’m also in the end stages of operation melt down. I’ve got five more pounds to lose this year which is not too hard, since not eating is literally not doing something, and right now I’m all about having less to do.

By all reckoning, it’s been a good year. I’ve started reshaping my body with weights, and it is indeed the fountain of youth. I’ve shed 19 pounds slowly by learning to skip dinner and eat crazy healthy foods, (!) intermittently. It’s been a transformation, with teeth. I’ll never diet again; I just learned to move more and eat less. Hunger is now a welcome friend. I’m lookin’ good, and feeling better.

I’m not a ballerina and I don’t speak much Spanish. Maybe I’ll circle back but right now it looks like those two January pipe dreams only served to keep me moving forward. Two little north stars that fell by the wayside on the way to other big ideas.  I used to see incompletion as failure. Now I think it’s fine to throw a bunch of stuff at the wall to see what sticks.

There has been some real tragedy on the home front recently and as I’m taking it easy I’m reminded that big things happen and time moves forward. When people ask, “You ok?” it’s always some version of yes. But, am I?

I wish instead of asking that silly question people would show up. Call. Suggest we eat something.

I don’t think shutting down summer is ever easy. But now someone has died and it has hit hard. Particularly for my youngest son. It was his first and really only girlfriend. They were still close. It was sudden and inexplicable. It’s the kind of loss that hits you over and over when you first open your eyes and realize that it’s really true. I feel for the family and I feel for my son, and I also feel for myself. When I saw her this summer she was struggling and teary, but also full of life and effervescent. But she got sick and she died.

That’s how I told my son, because I needed to say it all quickly and definitively. I said, “I have to tell you something very difficult. Gigi got sick and she died.”

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to tell any of my kids. Harder than, “We’re getting a divorce.”

My kid was already not having the best time in school. No one believes that you’re struggling when you’re getting straight A’s, making friends and killin’ it. But he called a lot and I know that he was just dragging himself through each semester. The official family response is “keep dragging” but he has put his foot down and is taking a semester away at the same art school Will goes to. It’s extremely ill-advised and yet I’ve gotten on board because life is a long haul and he needs to chart his own course.

I’m hiding out because I can’t really face anyone else’s opinion about this. I did the usual parental freak out and then decided to just support my kid. I’m helping him keep his options open, but not aghast. As much as it felt good to have a kid on the Dean’s list in a great program an hour away, with a clear path and probable lucrative employment at the other end….it’s not about me.

But no wonder I’m tired. We’re all scared and tired until we remember to just do a few small things and let the rest go. Because big things are going to knock us down, winter will close in, energy will wane, and then pick up again. There will be sun and longer days. Time for productivity and time to just breathe.

I write this silly blog about superficial things like eating chia seeds and scoring my next date because getting through the deeper things requires that we pay attention to everything littler, and light. Because hobbies and wahoo energy and working on my tan are what gets me through. Because I can’t control anything giant, I can only paint my toes red and hike and hit the beach and try and be a nice person.

That’s it.

Turn, turn, turn.