heart

My heart is sad right now. It’s a sadness that could go unnoticed. I’m still doing things like working, listening to music, saying “I’m fine” when asked – the usual.

I am actually fine. I am fundamentally fine. I am and always will be – fine.

But my heart is extremely sad and it physically hurts somewhere in my chest most of the time that I’m awake.

My son came home from Gigi’s mom’s house last night and he said he held her ashes. He said that he held Gigi and it was like having her head on his lap.

He’s planning a tattoo of something she drew on his chest over his heart and he is going to have some of her ashes pressed into the drawing.

The night before he came to me in tears holding the journal they each kept for the other person the summer they were apart – when he went to Kinhaven to play music and she ended up filing in my office to pass the time.

There is nothing I can say to my son. I say things like “My God, this is so heavy and painful and intense.” I say, “She’ll always be with you.”

My kid is going through something heavy and painful and intense. It’s something he will never get over. He’ll get used to it. It won’t always feel this raw, this shocking and this hard to believe. He’ll just get used to the place where this sad thing lives and tugs at his heart. He will get used to the weight of it all.

And maybe someday it will feel less sad.

A life is something to celebrate.

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I’m not looking forward to this holiday season. Natalie is staying on Maui for the duration. I don’t blame her. The logistics of Will coming home are difficult, but he may be here for Christmas. I don’t want to do Christmas this year. It doesn’t seem particularly relevant.

Most years I can rally. Last year we did a first time French Laundry Christmas with all the yummy courses and I was crazy into it and I made a big menu with cut-outs from the  Dicken’s Faire newspaper. But this year, I’m not really sure what it is I’m supposed to be into.

There’s the horrible impeachment – horrible because it’s turning out to be as bad as we thought it might be – and close to zero Republicans are willing to call Trump out (that’s the really bad part). There’s climate change and the word among the scientists that it’s accelerating quite rapidly – more rapidly than anyone can bear to acknowledge even to themselves -so get ready, only no one really knows how to get ready. There are tons of homeless dogs and cats that pour across my Facebook feed and I’m doing nothing but looking away. And trash is really getting to me. The average american makes 2.2kg of trash every day. Five pounds per person!

So I’m fine, but the world really isn’t.

Everything will be bearable, and there will be good times ahead. And suffering. That’s the way the world works.

After the holidays…..things will go quiet and we’ll all hibernate and in the spring there will be hope and sunshine and life will move on.

But right now it’s a time to be still and to feel all the feelings that we wish we didn’t have to feel. I don’t know how to blend that in with the holidays, but I guess I’m about to find out.

Peace.