Ok so my last post was just about me. Now I’ll write about dating….and me. Not really about me, more about dating.

Because first let me say that I’ve taken most of the me out of dating. Earlier this week I tried to drive in the final stake and I deleted all my apps…..but then I felt weirdly alone and reinstalled them.

There was a bit of a catastrophe because for some reason my Bumble account was totally wiped out. I’m talkin’ years of swiping, gone. I had a few people on there in a pretty nice holding pattern, too. Usually I can delete the app and take a break and when I come back everyone’s pretty much still buzzing around like nothing happened.

I’m sort of annoyed because Bumble is still sending me the “You’re Buzzworthy!” emails where they are trying to get me to pay money to find out who has already swiped right and the thing is – technically I’m dead on Bumble so WTH and also I don’t ever like to know who’s swiped right so why do they keep hounding me. Spoils the fun.

I wrote to Bumble and asked them to please sort all this out and – radio silence. I figured as much.

Lately, my friend (the one who’s also internet dating) and I have been caught between people in open relationships, the under thirties who like “older women” and all out creepsters, catfishers and who knows what.

She woke me up with this confusing message she received from a fellow attempting to describe his weekend:

*

I don’t know about you but one thing I had to admire was his use of IF as in “IF there were any negative thought or feeling…” At the end of the week it would be a challenge for me to even remember all the week’s negative thoughts or feelings, who wants to re-live them anyway, yet I am definitely intrigued by the idea of “burning them all off me.” Sadly,  it would appear to require a trip to the Dentist followed by the Grocery and that seems like a lot to take on every weekend. Plus the client’s attorney…sounds complicated.

Last week right in the middle of a seemingly normal exchange with some dude, my friend received, uninvited, her first you-know-what pic. She texted me: OMG, I just got my first dick pic. So I said the obvious thing: bring it.

Honestly it was really bad. So bad that she is now referring to it as the UDE. The ugliest dick ever. I tried to say that maybe it was the lighting but probably it might have had something to do with, I dunno, lack of a head and a torso, zero foreplay or meaningful conversation, fear of serial killers….maybe that?

Speaking of serial killers…my friend is attracting them in droves apparently. Get this message she received from a total stranger:

It can be hard to navigate these apps without becoming jaded so we had this exchange which was part snark and part, you know maybe he’s nice, but mostly ew….save yourself and run….

Take this for example, again sent to my friend (you may be wondering at this point if there really is an actual “friend” but I swear there is and we texted this morning and I got permission to post our convo, so settle down and grab your popcorn)

I’m going to censor out the text where I suggested that she answer with something truly shocking but will tell you that the ‘why stop at kissing’ may or may not have been followed by a description of what could conceivably come next and it involved the butt. šŸ˜

I’m fairly certain that some perfectly nice men deliver their “Hey, gorgeous.” and we delete them lickity split because we are working women with big brains and we are sick and tired of being seen as two dimensional play things…we are three dimensional play things dammit!!

Ok, four dimensions per Einstein….string theory says there are ten or eleven dimensions and then there’s M-theory that gives us potentially twenty-six. The point is…..two dimensions aren’t enough to satisfy and one day we’d like to explore some more dimensions with another person and we’d prefer to start with someone who has some awareness of depth and dimensions as they pertain to the rock star women that we are.

When I say rock star you say old. God help us.

I’ve got some people I might meet after January but right now I’m on hiatus. I decided to go on hiatus after I matched with someone who’s face spoke to me. His face spoke to me, his words did not disappoint, and I got ten percent excited to meet him….and then he said a few things that caused me to guess correctly that he is in fact….dundadada…once again…..married!

He referred to himself as ethically nonmonogamous but I’m not sure about the ethical part. It didn’t feel particularly ethical to me to get me all excited to match with someone that I might potentially enjoy actually meeting…. without mentioning the wife and all that a marriage implies, ya know? It didn’t feel ethical because it is so rare to actually match with someone who actually appears to be someone SINGLE AND NOT ABSURDLY POLY and NOT INTO JUST F*CKING that you might really connect with – not a hot body, not the UDE, not the guy who is too young, too old, too whatever – the guy who could be JUST RIGHT…..and he doesn’t tell you up front that he is MARRIED AS F*CK?

Stab me in the eye with a fork and then pinch me in the titty.

All I can say is, I cried. I shed tears, for reals. It was sort of adorable and of course I knew that it was insane but I wept a little bit.

Speaking of which here are a few really good articles on the subject of nonmonogamy on dating sites from the perspective of the potential non-primary swiper. I read them all to make me feel better and it worked.  Here ya go…

https://medium.com/@shanisilver/ethical-non-monogamy-needs-its-own-app-fight-me-840b2e7b9c0c

https://www.timeout.com/newyork/blog/what-the-hell-is-ethical-nonmonogamy-and-why-is-it-all-over-my-tinder-071116

 https://www.thecut.com/2017/09/why-are-dating-apps-full-of-people-in-open-relationships.html

 

Now back to the present, and to me, and to dating, and to my friend.

One guy who looked pretty normal I flipped to my friend because I think they might be a better match. I didn’t say anything to the dude, I just sent her his profile and they matched. My reason for this is that he used the term “gal” and I don’t think I’m a gal. Not at all. I don’t think my friend thinks she’s a gal either but she thinks he’s cute and she’s been hit by more weird than I have lately so she could use someone normal.

We also found out that in the young guy category we are both talking to the same barely thirty year old. He’s is super handsome, pretty nice and neither of us really gives a hoot.

We are doing what it takes, sorting through it all, braving the scammy awfulness, enduring the sad we feel when the nicest person we’ve talked is someone we just can’t manage to be interested in, picking ourselves up when someone decent-sounding hits us with some crazy zinger – we’re doing all that.

Because the alternative, which is deleting all the apps and giving up, well, it can make a person feel kind of alone.

Just ask me.

Onward, ho.

Ha.